Rugby Review is a new series debuting for The Dropkicks. Put simply, it's a way of following a team through the fans eyes. Are Crusaders fans really one-eyed? Have Highlanders fans lost all hope? You'll follow the team through 5 fans. I'm looking for someone to do the

Blues each week, so please leave a comment if you want to do this!

The Chiefs: By long-time friend of The Dropkicks, Richard Irvine

John Mitchell talks you through the Chiefs vs Western Force.

G'day. I'm John Mitchell. You may remember me from 'sitting next to Clive Woodward like a sack of wet sand' and 'I can't believe the All Black coach hasn't been sacked yet!'. That one came out in 2003. So the Chiefs played the Force on Saturday night; I have fond memories of Waikato and the Chiefs - I had hair then - so I want to see them do well. On the other hand, the Force are a pack of whinging little bitches, and I want to see their hearts ripped out, piled on the 22, then set on fire.

Just joking!

Luckily, the Chiefs came to the party and bitchslapped them. Good one. If those Aussies hadn't gone all Lord Of The Flies on me, they'd be the fucking Crusaders by now. I think the lesson in this match is "This is what happens when you fuck Mitch in the arse". For the Chiefs, who are three from three, I think the lesson is "Watch your back" - life plays some fucked up hands, and just when your career is going great, there are ALWAYS people out there wanting to stick a knife in your back. Always. Take it from Mitch, I know.

The Crusaders by Ti'i Paulo's 'special nutritionist' As predicted, it was a good week for the Crusaders. They played the Sharks, at home, on Friday night and I was much more pleased by their performance. The Crusaders had not been defeated by a South African Super Rugby team at home since 1996, and I was glad to see this remain.

The game was light-years better than last week’s game, against the Reds. There wasn’t anything overly spectacular about the game. It was just a good game of rugby. It was such a massive improvement, it was like watching a completely different team!

As I have left this review to the last minute, I’m just going to sum up the Crusaders' ROUND THREE

Richie, AKA God, is back.

Outstanding scrums.

Up at half time: Ten – Six.

Never would've known we lost so badly last week.

Dan Carter overtook Matt Burke on the all-time Super rugby scorer’s list. (Now 3rd)

Thirty five – Six: Final Score.

Hottie, Zac Guildford: Multiple tries. One intercept try.

Runaway ending. Two tries in 10minutes.

Epically annihilating tackles.

Exceptional crowd attendance.

I'm looking forward to much of the same in Round Four.

Hurricanes, by me

King Carlos came to town and he brought the Clever kid. 'Los didn't do a hell of a lot - and got a lot of sledging thrown his way from those in the crowd - and I'm not sure what people expected him to do anyway. Lining up outside it looked like there'd be an amazing crowd - it took us 20m to get in in the first place. But it wasn't. It was an ok crowd, but surely not much more than 16,000.

If you could look up the Hurricanes on unencyclopedia, this would be the match that accompanied it, with this blurb.

The Hurricanes are a team based in Wellington, New Zealand. They play their home games at the Biscuit Tin. The Hurricanes have historically been a team with a lot of promising talent, but often that talent has been squandered in favour of white line fever. This sports team simply refuses to learn the basics, opting instead for flashy, 50/50 ball play [which is more often than not 20/80].

The February 27, 2010 match against the Lions was the personification of this. The Lions were not fancied to win this game, as they have been shown to have a weak defence. The Hurricanes decided to exploit this by trying to set up 60m solo tries, instead of getting the team to work together to get 4 quick tries - securing a bonus point - and then resort to flashy football.

We're off to South Africa for three weeks, minus Conrad and Tamati this week, and the Pig for a season.

Oh, and can I say the Seal Slayer's try against the Lions was amazing and hilarious. Best bit of rugby satire I've ever seen.

The Highlanders, by Jimmy. 

This game is the first one this year that's highlighted what for me is the major deficiency of "Super" rugby. Waking up at 4am on a Sunday is hard. You might wonder why I was waking up at 4am? Well, try as I might I just couldn't find a replay of the game being shown at a reasonable hour on Sunday. There were replays of the Crusaders' game, which you may recall was played at NZ time, and replays of the Blues' game which finished well before midnight. So someone at Sky clearly doesn't think anyone wants to watch the Highlanders play at a normal time of the day.*

The scheduling of the kickoff in the afternoon can't have helped either, it would have made more sense to have a night game in Africa, which I think could have been 6:30am here in New Zealand. These crazy time zone differences are why I got really excited by the idea of changing Super rugby to being more of a Champions League type competition, which would help to limit the amount of time players have to spend miles away from home. That, or just ditching the Africans from the competition and playing with Pacific and Asian teams; though I suppose that would probably kill the presumably big earner of the Tri-Nations.

Anyway, all of that is by the by, because I haven't been asked to deliver a state of the Union, but rather a fan's perspective of Highlanders games, so I should probably crack into it. The Highlanders won!!! I don't think they won pretty, and maybe they were robbed of a bonus point, but bagging 4 points in Africa is a big achievement at any stage; even if the win is agains the Cheetahs who apparantely haven't won back to back since they returned to the comp.

I couldn't believe the investment the Highlanders were making in Hobbs when they have Robbie Robinson in the squad, but the guy has sure proven me wrong. He's put in solid performances in the first 3 rounds, and scored 4 tries to boot. I think the balance of the team with Shoemark at 12 (surely he's more natural there than at centre, what with his good kicking game?) and Lynn at 13 was great. As awesome as Jayden Hayward can be, I think he's a little too inconsistent at this level yet, and having a relative veteran like Shoemark outside Hobbs must surely be a calming influence on him.

However, I also liked the tactic of bringing Berquist on at the end to calm the tempo and keep the Cheetahs pushed back in their own half - that backline trio might be a good starting trio against some of the teams that can control their game better than the Cheetahs. Then you can bring Lynn on for Berquist and push Hobbs in one to up the tempo in the last 30 minutes.

Having praised the win, I did have some questions about the tactics the backs employed a lot of the night. It doesn't seem to me that the new rules make kicking possession away constantly a good idea. While Ben Smith had a great Air NZ Cup campaign last year, that hasn't yet translated into Super 14 form, so putting bombs up constantly basically means only Dagg is going to be able to get up in the air & compete for the ball. Dagg by the way, had a reasonably good game, especially with the added responsibility of having the goal kicking duties.

My only other comment on the backs, is that Jimmy Cowan had, by his standards, an average game. A couple of kicks went awry and he just wasn't his usual sharp and decisive self. Jimmy is awesome, and not just because he shares my name. I think its great how he shook off all of that (admittedly fairly self-inflicted) crap, and has really stood up and made the most of the opportunities he's had. Here's hoping he's back to his best next week, because the Highlanders need him at top form.

The forwards had solid games for the most part - I don't think they were being out-scrummed, but rather that the referee was allowing some fairly iffy tactics from the Cheetahs front row. The loose forwards were solid, and though Thompson looked a bit out of place at times at No 8, I like the additional pace that the trio had. Up against Smith & Broussow I think the really held their own. Its interesting how the effectiveness of Broussow has been nullified by the new rules - last year he might have earnt his team 10 penalties from his efforts at the breakdown, but now with the law being interpreted correctly (ok, differently) he had a quiet game.

Apart that is, from scoring the first of 3 tries to be sent to the TMO, and the one that I thought was the most obviously not a try. The ball hit the ground, but to my eyes at least he had clearly lost control of it prior to that. Smith's try I would have given the benefit of the doubt to, even though you couldn't actually see it hitting the ground - but the 'daylight' between ball and line for Thompson's disallowed try wasn't visible on my telly.

So, robbed of a bonus point, but 4 points in the bag in their first fixture in Africa. The Stormers should be a tougher prospect, but a winnable game - and if the improvements continue week to week the Bulls might be a competitive game. But coming up against a team that's had a nice break with the Bye week, I think im being overly optimistic there! Anyway, this is one pretty chuffed 'almost' fan!

* I'm willing to admit that i'm either blind or stupid and there may have been a replay that I just couldn't find when searching the Sky website. But to be fair, when I entered 'Highlanders' into their search box, only one result showed, and that was for a replay of a game in the future anyway. So, instead of a handy search feature I had to scroll manually through their fugly TV Guide thing, which is slow so I gave up after getting to Tuesday.

This could have been up well before the weekend, but I made an editorial decision to wait for the announcement of the new Hurricanes coach and ended up cutting that section from the podcast.

The first 10m or so are really loud, before it goes quiet for some reason, sorry. The dictaphone didn't even move!

Rugby Review is a new series debuting for The Dropkicks. Put simply, it's a way of following a team through the fans eyes. Are Crusaders fans really one-eyed? Have Highlanders fans lost all hope? You'll follow the team through 5 fans.

The Chiefs: By long-time friend of The Dropkicks, Richard Irvine

Nobody's saying this is the future of Rugby. 137 points with 18 tries might save you the bother of fast forwarding the boring bits, and leave defensive purists reaching for their well worn 2000 Super 12 final VHS, but feck it, I don't care - I LIKE that every so often two teams in the right mood can produce a freak game. It's fun. This is only the second round, and if you can't mix it up and throw the ball around now, when are you going to?

My Chiefs, who lost their first two games last year and still made the final, have got their South African leg out of the way early, and won both matches. Richard Kahui is back, and Stephen Donald looks comfortable at the level that suits him best - many teams would love his experience and execution in their side. They won't be defending like this in May, I think they'll be better for this attacking hit out, and better because Sione Lauaki probably won't be wearing the captain's armband again. Of course, the main thing is games like this annoy Stephen Jones more than a long train trip in a carriage full of clowns. All of New Zealand can enjoy that.

The Crusaders: reviewed by Dan Carter's 'Special Masseuse'.

It was the one game of the year that really would’ve been better suited to the Comedy Channel. Yes, the Reds v Crusaders game played on Friday night. It was up there with the worst rugby games I have ever watched. 80, excruciating, minutes of non-stop shit rugby by the Crusaders. It was actually laughable.

As an avid Crusaders fan, I understand that every year they always start off slowly. But this game was something else. They were barely even worthy of being a Super Rugby Team. Yeah, I just said that.

With such an amazing record attached to the Crusaders I, along with the rest of the rugby world, expected more of the supreme team. 7-time Super Rugby Champions and they get beaten by the Reds. A team barely anyone remembers. It was shocking. You know it must have been really bad for me to admit that it. I was, for a moment, embarrassed to be supporting the team. However, even on a bad day I will remain a devoted supporter. They are marvellous.

We all know they are the greatest team of the competition but they way they played on Friday night was not even as good as a Second Division team. Too many basic errors, school boy errors. I can’t pin-point one word that sums up their performance but many words come to mind: horrendous, appalling, disastrous, error-strewn, unbearable. Basically it was the most hideous display of Crusaders’ rugby for a long time.

They played so well the week before that I gloated to people supporting other teams, mentioning that the Crusaders would continue on that momentous roll. It was the first game of the season and heeeeeello bonus point. It became apparent during round two that I had spoken too soon.

I’ll give credit where it is due: the Reds deserved to win. Simply put, they were the better team on the night. They absolutely pummelled the Crusaders, and I think it is what we needed. The Crusaders needed to be shown that even though they are the best they can’t get cocky and think they are unbeatable. They are a better side than the one that played on Friday, and we will get to see that they are this week. I have no doubt that we will see the Crusaders at their best this Friday. They are back home and will have wonderful supporters like myself there cheering them on. And...

Richie is back!!! He’s on the beach. He’s been away because of a clause in his NZRU contract, or something-or-other. Anyway, most important thing is that he is back! Along with being gorgeously good looking for the female viewers, he actually adds so much to the team. I know a team isn’t one man but as soon as he pops back in the mix everything changes. I think it is a little obvious I think Richie is God.

I believe psychics would be saying that round three will be a good one for the Crusaders.

Bring on Friday.

The Hurricanes: by yours truly

Honestly I don't think I can say anything about this game I won't say in the podcast. It was a game the 'Canes obviously came into treating as a practice run. Tamati's league-style play to set up Cory and David was outstanding, other than that it was a confidence-building game for the team against a schoolboy XV.

The Highlanders, by 'fan' Jimmy.

I should probably admit straight away that I'm not really a Highlanders fan. I mean, I do really like that they have a guy running round from time to time wielding a fricking claymore but, I live in Wellington and thus my primary allegiance is to the Hurricanes. The Highlanders are my second favourite team though, and in all games where they aren't playing the Hurricanes I'm rooting for the boys from the deep south. This essentially means that I'm constantly rooting for the underdog, because admit it- who really expects the Highlanders to win on a regular basis?

Knowing this helps to know why it is that I like the Highlanders. My second favourite NPC / - AirNZ Cup team has pretty much always been Southland. Perrenial strugglers that have come good and are now dominating their bigger Super rugby franchise player. Winning the log of wood was awesome and, I think anyway, just reward for an area that's been putting on the hard yards, doing the basics before attempting the flash. I want to see a team thats suffered finally turn the corner, I want to have the good time that Chiefs fans last year had - albeit with a happier ending.

The other reason I'm such a Highlanders fan is the Magpies. Hawke's Bay rugby supporters have a complex. Some describe it as a sense of entitlement, but it's really more one of desperation. Hawke's Bay fans really didn't cope with being in the 2nd Division. But what was really hard was getting so close to promotion and never actually making it. It doesn't take too many years before you start seeing rule changes as being deliberately designed to keep you out. And every player having success in another team would have been the key to being promoted.

These were dark and horrible times, and I should know - I grew up in the Hawke's Bay. Other than the All Blacks, when I was a kid, you wanted to be in the Magpies. Guys from my high-school played for them, hell my old Head Boy Michael Johnston is still running around the paddock. So, with the use of so many Hawke's Bay players and our coach, its only natural that I want to see the Highlanders do well. Because if there's anything a fan of Hawke's Bay rugby needs, its validation that we actually are ok, and really do deserve to be in the top flight.

What a game the Crusaders v Highlanders match was. Weirdly, whenever the Highlanders play the Crusaders I get a sense of confidence about the victory out of all proportion to reality. I actually expect them to win every time. And had a couple of calls gone the way of the Highlanders we might have seen a different result - particularly when viewed with the hindsight of knowing what the one-eyes were going to bring the next week against the Reds.

I have to apologise though, as despite being the pseudo-fan that I am, I didn't actually manage to catch much of the game vs the Blues. Instead I was drinking Tsingtao and having a great dinner at Longxiang. So I can't help but feel a little bit personally responsible for their loss to the Blues, especially because its the Blues who haven't been a great team in some time.

If only the Highlanders could bring the passion they have when they play the Crusaders to every game, things might be different for their fans. Even a sort of, but not really fan like myself.

I'm still looking for someone to do the Blues. Leave your nomination in the comments section if you're keen.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/super-14/3372567/Woodcock-benched-as-...

For fucks sake. Lets just get this right. For the last time, you cannot start from the bench. YOU EITHER START, or YOU COME ON FROM THE BENCH.
Standards people, lets not abandon ours. Bloody hell Stuff, start employing some actual journos!

The Mallet
(angry for no particular reason)

Yep, there's finally a new podcast to add to your iPod. In this one, my mate Lee and The Brat from The Cheap Seats review and preview the Super 14 and I turn out to be wrong a lot - and get sidetracked, but this time I don't forget my original points.

You'll notice at the end, I promised games and debate. Yeah. I forgot to record these. For the record, Lee was applying for the position of Grant Nisbett's massage therapist and failed, The Brat got Ali William's physio and declined the position on the grounds that she would just take advantage of him, and I was told to be Jesse Ryder's Alcoholics Anonymous sponsor.

The debate was a rip snorter, with Lee and The Brat asked to debate who would be a better 1st five in a hypothetical team - Stephen Brett or Stephen Donald. Lee won that one. The second was a fictional fight between Dunedin's international sporting exports, Brendon McCullum and Jimmy Cowan. Cowan had the powerup of the demon booze, while McCullum had the benefit of the bat. The Brat won me over debating staunchly for Macca, despite my personal opinion that Cowan would win. Lee pulled off an amazing call about Captain Planet that I can't remember, but he wanted to have noted.

Enjoy.

If you haven't seen it yet there's a video doing the rounds on the internet at present, the newest video in a long line of videos of fights on American public transport. Put simply a racial disagreement escalates, quickly.

The key moment in this that's attracted a lot of attention on 4chan and the like is the line 'bring da amberlamps'. In honour of this the Dropkicks is starting the Bring Da Amberlamps Hall of Fame [henceforth known as Amberlamps HOF]. Each time I see a big hit in the Super 14, I'll post it up as a nominee. At the end of the season, we get to vote for one inductee.

Without a doubt, the first-ever Amberlamps HOF nomination has to be Aaron Cruden.

In last week's Hurricanes/Blues game Cruden came off the bench in place of Willie Ripia. I've said in the past that I'm a bit wary of putting too much faith in Wellington's new wunderkid first-five, after the amount of times this faith has been unrewarded in the past. His first touch of the ball didn't do a lot to change my mind either:

[Thanks to Rugbydump for the clip]

For the record, Cruden went great against the Force. And I think the Hurricanes have a great idea, handing Weepu the kicking duties. It's clear they want Aaron to focus on his ground game - something the 'Canes have lacked in a 10 - before getting him hunting down Carter's point scoring record.

You may delay, but time will not - Benjamin Franklin.

You may wonder how this applies to this post. It's pretty simple really: I began drafting this piece on the 5th of January. I'm now rushing through to publish it, before the Hurricanes v Blues match kicks off tonight. Over a month, and I've still not got it done. And the annoying thing is is that I had predicted the injuries to Ali Williams and Sione Lauaki. Yes, you caught me, I'm Robbie Deans.

Oh hush in the corner with your protestations that it's cricket season. NZ Cricket have done all they can to disprove that myth - First by making sure the BLACKCAPS played an international match in every month of 2009 except July, and then by not playing a single game over the summer holiday period.

The Super 14's a month away and the players and I are getting excited for it. While it's hard to predict what'll happen in a season [The Chiefs in the semis and final? How did that happen?] I'm giving it a shot.

Blues:
Having signed Alby Mathewson and Stephen Brett they'll struggle to get a crowd along to their 7.35pm games on Friday, until the Auckland City Council makes it illegal for cafes to be open. The signing of Brett can go two ways:
In the first scenario, Brett will be an astute kicker, as he has been over the past three seasons and Grant Fox will consider himself qualified to speak up about a player who is playing a different style of game to the rugby union he grew up with.. In the second, Brett will struggle to adjust to the more open, flowing style of Blues rugby and Grant Fox will consider himself qualified to speak up about a player who is playing a different style of game to the rugby union he grew up with.
Isaia Toeava, Josevata Rokcoko and Rene Ranger will have every single mistake they make jumped upon, while players who actually don't do much in their positions, like Paul Williams, escape the evil eye.

Excited about:
The prospective backline of Mathewson, Brett, McAlister, Toeava and Stanley.

Not looking forward to:
The performance of the Blues being used to gauge the 'health' of New Zealand rugby. Ali Williams getting injured and releasing another book, detailing how he's gonna quit the game and become a coach instead.

Brumbies: ['Cause they're the only Aussie team worth giving a damn about]
The return of prodigal son Matt Giteau to the capital territory will give the Brumbies an anchor in the backline. He'll also bring back something from the West Coast that the Brumbies have been lacking in the past few seasons - style. No, not the hair gel kind, though him and Adam A-s-h-l-e-y-C-o-o-p-e-r will go through their share, and Stirling Mortlock's, but an ability to use the ball that the Brumbies' rumbling forward pack consistently dishes up.

Excited about:
Seeing what the best Australian side [on paper] can dish up in the new season.

Not looking forward to:
Stirling Mortlock suffering another serious injury, only this time deciding to retire.

Chiefs:
All through the off-season I've pondered something. Were the Chiefs of '09 really that good? Sure, the Bulls would have beaten any S4 team that day [and probably a few tier-1 national teams, let's be honest] but looking back on the Chiefs' season, I can't really remember anything standout. Beating the 'Canes twice was a good effort, but take away that try-fest against the Blues and what was there? Injuries. Injuries, injuries, injuries. The Chiefs have been plauged with them over the past few years, and always to key players. How Richard Kahui bounces back from his shoulder injury will be a key focus for the Chiefs - but I suspect he'll be fine, so all you girls can lower your heart rate now - and which do they use at first-five, Donald or Delany? And if you do the 'just chuck one at 2nd-five' option favoured by many pundits, what do you do with Sweeney, Willison and Callum Bruce? Not to mention that they have Sivivatu, Masaga, Muliaina and one of my favourite underdogs, Tim Nanai-Williams to choose from in the back three. TN-W can play at FB while Mils has his rest period at the start, but after that? It almost seems like the Chiefs administration is banking on some injuries...

Excited about:
To be honest, not much on field. I'm excited about this though, and hoping it leads to some good stats I can use. Also, seeing Sione Lauaki get injured is always a positive for NZ rugby. The quality of the Chiefs play seems to improve when he's out.

Not looking forward to:
The fact the Chiefs have six loose fowards... There'll be some frustration while lineups are sorted out no doubt.

Crusaders:
There's something different about rugby in the flatlands. You can have an off year, with the media and public jumping down your throat and writing you off because you've got a 'rookie' coach and your best player's injured, but still 4th. Is that really a bad year? There wasn't too much impressive about the Crusaders last season, they just trucked along and bored the opposition to death with their stiff defence. This year though they've got some top attacking talent - Robbie Fruean is in for Casey Laulalalalala, and along with Zac Guildford he's flying down from Wellington to play with Colin Slade in his sandpit - and Dan Carter is back on top of his game. And then you look at the forward pack - that same forward pack that gets you in shit for making mistakes, and causes you to lose the game, even though you've held the ball for twice as long as them. And have done this for about three years. Same shit, different year really.

Excited about:
Diva Dan doin' his thang. Nobody makes line breaks look so beautiful. Oh, and seeing them without that shitty sword thing on their jersey.

Not looking forward to:
Getting my hopes up for the 'Canes, only to have the Crusaders beat us in the semis or final again.

Highlanders:
Oh, the whipping boys of the naysayers, the Highlanders manage to operate without too much scrutiny. They've actually got a decent team, similar to the Blues really. But who's getting more exposure? Yeah, that's right, the fucking Aucklanders. How do you piss off a bunch of guys from the South? Show them that a bunch of Aucklanders think they're better than them. Yeah, Peter Russell, GTFO, I just took your job.
I actually think the Highlanders will have a great season if they can stay injury free. They should beat the Aussie teams - with the exception of the Brumbies maybe - and South Africans. They've had dominance over the Crusaders, and Hurricanes [bar the score at the final whistle] for the past two seasons. They just need to stop running out of steam in the final quarter really.

Excited about:
The dark-horse chances of this Motley Crue from Southland, Otago, Hawke's Bay and Manawatu making the post-season.

Not looking forward to:
The naysayers saying the Highlanders are shit and should be scrapped from the competition.

Hurricanes:
Alphabetical order [and myself] have saved the best for last. We made the finals once, you know. But my memory of that match is kinda foggy. The stories are all set in place to make 2010 the Hurricanes' year. 'Win one for Coop!' the headlines will scream. Aaron Cruden is central to our title hopes this year. Not to put too much pressure on the boy, but it's been fucking yonks since we've had a 1st-5 who can run the ball and kick it. Combine him with the All Black studded backline [Former AB Piri Weepu, and last year's team members Conrad Smith, Ma'a Nonu, Tamati Ellison, Hosea Gear and Cory Jane] and he should have a decent season. If he comes right, he'll have a championship winning season. For now, he's just gotta focus on taking the top spot on the team from Willie Ripia.

Excited about:
Seeing Cory Jane tweet from the field in the game against the Cheetahs.

Not looking forward to:
Failure to live up to my expectations. They're not unrealistic, are they?

Sione Lauaki: Sup dox?

Ian Foster: Sione! You're late. Now that you're captain you can't do shit like this.

Sione: Sorry dox! I was watching this new video on my computer. 'Cause I didn't get a new phone from Telecom last year 'cause I wasn't in the All Blacks! That's pretty stink. But the video's got LaDanian Tomlinson in it. I reckon we should base our offense on it this year!

*Breaks into song*

SL style electric gliiiide

*Drops ball, knocks it on*

Foster: Good, you haven't tried to improve your gameplay over summer. Right. I've called you all here to talk about the upcoming pre-season Super 14 match against the Highlanders piss trip. I've already spoken to them, and they've agreed to bootleg us some moonshine. So we're all good on that front. Now we've just got to sort out a gameplan.

Richard Kahui: No sweat Fozzy Bear. We've got it all sussed out. They can come out with me, 'cause then it'll make them all look hotter and they can get the wimmin I don't want. 'Cept for Tim Boys, 'cause he'll fit right in anyway.

Foster: Awesome, great to know you've got your priorities right. Everyone chop one back now!

*Whole team sculls a can of Waikato Draught*

Fantastic. I don't see why people question our pre-season routine every year when we get injuries. Alright boys, chant time. On three, fuck them up.

1, 2, 3.

Whole team: Fuck them up! 

The Super 14 is just around the corner and I thought before I did a preview of the season I should talk about the pre-season. That's when I came across something really confusing in terms of where one of the teams is playing. No, it's not the Hurricanes playing in the shadow of the HQ of their sponsor's product, though I do think they should have played a game in Napier [the other two games are at Porirua Park and Rotorua].

What raised my eyebrows was one of the Highlanders fixtures. Their first game is fine - against the Chiefs in Dunedin. It's their second one. The team is travelling to Suva to face a Fiji President's XV. I've always thought that sport and politics should not mix, but long ago came to the realisation that no matter what happens, they are intertwined.

In case you don't know the current political background in Fiji, here's a quick rundown: In 2006, Commodore Frank Bainimarama led the Fijian army in a bloodless coup against the government of the time, led by then-Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase. The reason he gave for this was his general unrest with plans by the government to introduce a bill reviewing the legality of the 2000 coup attempt led by George Speight. Since then, Bainimarama has refused the demands of New Zealand and Australia, and the Commonwealth, to return Fiji to a democracy. As a result, Fiji was last year ejected from the Pacific Nations Forum and has been suspended from the Commonwealth. Bainimarama has also ejected people from Fiji - the NZ and Australian High Commissioners, as NZ and Australian journalists including Sia Aston [TV3] and Barbara Dreaver [TVNZ]. Early last year he took control of the local media, employing censors in every newsroom.

New Zealand has steadfastly refused to deal with members of the Fijian regime. Barring compassionate reasons, New Zealand's stance on allowing members of the regime, or people associated with it, to travel here is this: No. We also do not issue temporary work permits to seasonal workers from Fiji, A few years ago it appeared the NZ government would not allow the Fijian Sevens team to participate in Wellington, but instead the following was added to the regulations for New Zealand's relations with Fiji, stating an exception will be made in these circumstances:

People are not subject to the ban if they will be participating in a regional or international tournament which requires travel to New Zealand and the New Zealand host sporting body does not have control over the selection of the participants. The ban does not apply to professional sportspeople playing as individuals.

.

This is where it gets confusing. In 2007, the All Whites were due to play the Fijian national team as part of their qualification campaign for the 2010 FIFA World Cup as their goalkeeper was related to a regime member, but the team was allowed to travel to Fiji to play the return leg. The NZ match was eventually played in Samoa. The goalkeeper played both matches. Undoubtedly, this would fall under the exception - that NZ does not have control over the selection. But, the Pacific Nations Cup has been going on the past two seasons with Fijian, New Zealand and Australian involvement and nothing came of rumours that then Foreign Minister Winston Peters was looking at a blanket ban. I don't have the time or resources to look into every single person in the Fijian rugby team which plays in that competition, and I'm sure that the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade does an outstanding job of looking into everybody, but doesn't this send a confusing message?

Both tournaments are, of course, sanctioned by the IRB. So again, New Zealand won't ban the teams, even if Bainimarama himself was lining up at halfback. We have banned a Fijian side before though, although I can't remember why.

Where this match differs though is the team to play the Highlanders. The President's XV. Fiji's former president was Joseph Iloilo, who retired late last year. Iloilo was called a 'puppet' by academic Brij Lal, for failing to opposed the military leadership. His replacement appointed by the same regime NZ is refusing to deal with - is Epeli Nailatikau, who was previously the military government's Minister of Defence. So from the very start, the Fijian government's hands are all over this game. Even if the players are picked from Ireland, the regime is still involved. Personally, I think this is unacceptable.

The situation in Fiji appears to be quickly deteriorating, with the Methodist Church accusing the regime of spying on them and the Citizens' Constitutional Forum claiming that the interim government has been cutting pension payments to people who criticise their tenure. This is not the first time they've cracked down on critics - last year they arrested and detained the head of the Fijian Law Society, Dorsami Naidu for speaking harshly about the leaders and 'undermining' the regime. Three magistrates at the Information Ministry were recently sacked, and when asked why, Permanent Secretary for Information Lieutenant Colonel Neumi Leweni had this to say:

It is not for anyone to explain the reasons why. It’s just that it’s been signed by the president and it’s been put to effect that their services are no longer required.

Sounds an awful lot like 'don't question, just do as you're told' right?

I struggle to see how on earth this game was approved - did it simply slip through the cracks? It's not part of an officially sanctioned tournament, it's not a regular fixture and it's not something that should have even been thought up in the first place. I've got nothing against the Highlanders, but no way should they play this game. Not at all. It's effectively condoning the actions of the president, Bainimarama, and all their mates after the government has worked to put across a message that we will not tolerate the political situation in Fiji. It's saying 'hey, we know you're treating your people poorly, but we don't care, we just want to play rugby'. I wholeheartedly object to this match, and want the Highlanders to change their plans.

I use the term paradise loosely here, because I'm talking about Australia. But if you've been in Wellington the past couple of days, with our weather, you'd know that paradise certainly isn't here...

But I digress. Here's a story the sport media should be all fucking over - especially at this time of the year when there's nothing on except a meaningless test match that's already been decided, a yachting race that nobody except the media and yachties care about, and the buildup to NZ's premiere Tennis event.

The Australian Associated Press and Daily Telegraph have let fly a story suggesting that the financial backers of Melbourne's Super Rugby franchise have, in true blue fair dinkum Aussie style, spat the dummy.

If you remember the press release from SANZAR when the decision was announced [it was very brief] you should remember that the arbitration board of David Kirk and the Hon Barry Paterson QC noted that the South African bid for the Southern Kings franchise

was more advanced with regard to business and financial planning and organization structure and governance. The Southern Kings were also able to point to a strong rugby tradition, a large playing base and presented a stronger case than Melbourne as to their rugby readiness.

So why did they decide to go with Melbourne? Oh yeah.

These strengths of the Southern King’s Application did not, however, offset the benefits in geographical location and commercial value to SANZAR (both of which criteria the Experts were asked to place considerable weight on) that the Melbourne Application was able to deliver.

I had my concerns when I first read that, but I gave it a go. After all, this is the first time we've seen a privately-owned franchise in Super Rugby and we've seen what private backing can achieve in the past [remember the events that got Matt Giteau to the Western Force?]. But now it looks like the whole thing's starting to unravel.

The catalyst for the departure of some backers is put down to the Australian Rugby Union's opposition to subsidise the franchise and rightly so. It was always billed as a private union, so why should it be given a subsidy - aside from ensuring there are sufficient players available? Why would the ARU, as a business entity, invest money into a team which is not guaranteed of a fan base as it is to operate in a city which is the absolute heart of AFL and already has a very, very successful rugby league team? I mean, the Force in Perth are part of a more equal market and get an average following, but take a team to Melbourne would be like putting a football team in Wellington. And we know how many fans that lot have.

I reckon this is just political posturing from the Melbourne backers, but I hope the ARU stands firm. But if this deal really is on the rocks, what happens?

If the Melbourne Whateverthey'regonnabecalleds don't show sufficient progress [like, coming up with a team name, or a coach, or players] by a specific date, what happens? Do we stay with the Super 14? Do the Southern Kings get to rush around for six months [or however long] trying to re-establish their union? Or does SANZAR just bail out the team and get it going?

Because we've seen one SANZAR union grabbed by its balls and made to do as it's told, and not as it wants, this year - so someone's gotta stand up and flip the bird at these mucky little manipulators before it's too late.

Update: So it looks like the beatup came from the dick from the Melbourne bid. But then again, the ARU doesn't have the most respectable track record.