As every rugby union fan in New Zealand knows, the decision regarding the future of the Air New Zealand Cup will be announced today at 3.30pm has been announced with the competition keeping the 14 team-structure from this year. But on Tuesday, following this article in the NZ Herald, I started thinking about what I'd do if I was in charge. Then, because I'm an idiot with not much better to do, I created my own framework.

I'm in favour of the conference based system as while the regional rivalry system has merits, I think that under the current format it has become slightly redundant. The unions themselves are based on political boundaries we haven't used in over a century!

So here is what I would pitch to the NZRU board, the chief executives of the various unions and the players themselves.

Steve Tew: It's just over a year until you're due to campaign in the 2011 Super 15 Super Rugby season [Ed: about time that name was officially adopted!], whaddaya got ta show for it?

John O'Neill: Well Tewsday, we've ah. We've ah. We've realised that we all like Freddos and Milo, so we decided we'll have a meeting! Is Hanno available?

Steve Tew: Use our proper code names, you dickhead. And what the fuck, a meeting? For what? Have you got a coach yet?

John O'Neill: Sorry Cobrastrike. Ummm.... No.

Steve Tew: Stadium?

John O'Neill: Ummm.... No.

Steve Tew: Official website?

John O'Neill: Negatron.

Steve Tew: Cute name?

John O'Neill: Nopeskies, but we're thinking the Melbourne Rebels, then we can be known as the Rebel Sport Melbourne Rebels! Howzat!

Steve Tew: For fuck sake. Players?

John O'Neill: Nah, but that don't matter 'cause if we get Jonny Wilkinson then he can play on his own!

Steve Tew: Explain.

John O'Neill: Well, y'see, we've come up with this fantastic new idea. What we'll do is we'll trick people into thinking we're an actual team, with a stadium and a board and shit, when really, all we'll do is have a team in EA Sports' Rugby 2006, and Wilko - we've already given him a nickname - will sit down with the PlayStation and play the other team! It's flawless because we don't have to pay player fees, or worry about cobbers doing stupid shit. And if Wilko's losing, I'll be sitting down by the switch box and 'Oh no! What's that! A power cut! Oh, I guess the match is cancelled!' Flawless! Oh, and we have an awesome Billy Idol name for our chants, we can call them the Rebel Yell!

Steve Tew: Ah, fuck this.

Door slams

John O'Neill: (to self) that way we can play all year! We can play in space! We can have every professional club in the world play each other! We can expand the Tri-Nations to have every team play themselves twice! We can...

[If you want to follow the Melbourne Super Rugby side's establishment, hit up the fan group's Twitter or Facebook. Alternatively, the dudes at Green and Gold will be your best bet.]

A quick look back at the NRL final, then a detailed analysis of the Stade Francais rugby team strip, Daniel Braid defects to Australia, and Steve Tew's master plan is unveiled...

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(Inside the secret lair at NZRU headquarters…)

Exalted High Master of Ruck Steve Tew: I call to order the council of Grand High Rugby Wizards, bonus points be with you brothers

Gathered masses: “Rugby is the winner on the day”

Steve Tew: First item on the agenda - stopping the player drain. Brother Mexted what have you to report?

Brother Mexted: Our experiments with the Blind Patriotism Gas have sadly failed. A concentrated dose causes strange hallucinations, hair loss and intense paranoia while the subject is unable to articulate a clear sentence…

Steve Tew: We mourn the loss of Brother Deaker.

Gathered Masses: “May his ACL never tear”

Brother Mexted: A lesser dose of the gas resulted in severe local support which only translated somewhat to a national level. There was also a side-effect of some in breeding amongst subjects. As such we have ceased the secret trial in the South Island's [REDACTED] region. Our work continues on developing some kind of implant.

Steve Tew: Thank you Brother Mexted for that report, please keep us posted on any new developments. The next point is player retention. Grand Loser of the Coin Toss, you have the floor.

Darren Shand: Brothers, and Farrah Palmer, I have a plan which may save rugby as we know it!

Gathered Masses: (General muttering and questioning as to who Farrah Palmer is)

Darren Shand: Recently I have become aware of an incident in which a young boy was threatened by another boy with a knife over a rugby trading card. The boy handed over the card, a very rare Thomas Waldrom I understand, and matter was over. Now the premise I put to you gentlemen, and Palmer, is this: what if the card was actually Thomas Waldrom, or Nick Evans or even Dan Carter? And then the boy would be a European club and we… are the person with the knife!

Gather Masses: (applause and shouts of “Good one Shandy!”)

Weeks later…

The General Manager of Wasps is walking down the street with his arm around Dan Carter, the two are talking contracts. The round the corner and are confronted with…

"Pretty Boy" Tew: Hand over the Carter.