I've just received word from one of my mates about a shocking development that will change the way security systems in this country operate. He set out to test security at the offices of the Sunday Star Times and I've got to say I'm quite alarmed with the results.

He went into the building concealing a toy grenade and shotgun, and not one person caught him.

He even placed the grenade on his lap at one stage, in plain view, and nobody cared. This comes ahead of the 2011 Rugby World Cup, where journalists will be attending matches and if one of them is to come to harm it will affect deadlines all around the country.

He managed to gain access to several restricted areas, speak briefly to sport editor Michael Donaldson in the kitchen, scab some lose change from Finlay MacDonald and got within metres of the desk of sports journalist Richard Boock before being asked to make someone else a cuppa.

When Donaldson was contacted for comment he originally declined, but in a later written statement had this to say:

We at the noble SST are not concerned by the holes in security brought to light by your investigation. We do not believe we will be targeted by gunmen. Because we don't publish Chris Rattue's articles.

Needless to say, these developments are likely to change the industry. It will now be completely unacceptable for a journalist to go anywhere without at least four armed guards and the SST themselves are installing a $3.2m security system to detect fake weapons.

In today's article, The Dropkicks' friend casual acquaintance guy we met once hated enemy Chris Rattue waxes on about rumours Sonny Bill Williams may head to Counties Manukau to play in the Air New Zealand Cup.

Chris has taken the ball here, turned around and ran away from the opposition team - the Logic First XV of Common Sense to score in his own tryline. He wouldn't be out of place spouting off his article amongst these people.

You've got a team which struggles to get a crowd, struggles to make money, and struggles to create good players - and the players it does get, like Lelia Masaga and Tim Nanai-Williams - it struggles to keep. What does it have working in its favour? Possibly how close it is to Mt Smart Stadium, home of the Warriors.

You get Sonny Bill to Counties, you have the first game on a Friday night when the Warriors aren't playing, you'll sell out Growers Stadium, or Mt Smart. Maybe even Eden Park.

On top of that, how on earth is it a bad idea to get a standout league player, who has been playing at a high level in France [and let's not mention the Sonny Bill v Wallabies testimonial last year where he didn't make any mistakes that I remember] to your bottom-dwelling team?

People continually spout the line 'one player does not make a team'. To which I say: look at the differences between a Carter or McCaw-less All Blacks or Crusaders, or Manawatu without Aaron Cruden, or Counties with Lomu and Vidiri. While one player can't turn around a team, they can bring up the skill level of those around them - not to mention the confidence.

SBW will always be judged by how he left Australia, but until that point he'd honoured all his contracts, hadn't he? And his Toulon one? So why would Counties be worried he'd nick off? Nah, I reckon The Rat is just jealous, 'cause he knows if he pulled a dick-stunt like SBW did the country would be glad he'd gone, not staking out airports in Paris for sightings of him.

BREAKING NEWS - Daniel Carter is out of the Super 14 for the 2010 season. Crusaders coach Todd Blackadder made the announcement at 4.30pm today.

Unfortunately in last night's game Dan got his hair ruffled by a few Highlanders players. We've had specialists take a look at the damage, and they've managed to fix about 65% of it. We're currently flying in some product that Dan used during his time in France, but for all intents and purposes, it looks like Dan will need to rest up for a few months to get over this ordeal. We hope to see him come out the other side and back in a black jersey.

I've spoken to Highlanders captain - and Carter's All Black team-mate - Jimmy Cowan, who revealed that Carter's hair was deliberately targeted in last night's match.

Yeah mate, we identified that on tape before the season started, and we figured it was a tactic we should employ. Tom [Donnelly] and I confirmed it on the tour last year when we stole Dan's gel before the Welsh test, and boy did he have a shocker in that one. It's a strategy we're hoping to use against the Brumbies and Chiefs, having identified the strength of play coming from the likes of Matt Giteau, Adam Ashley-Cooper, Lelia Masaga and Richard Kahui.

All Black coach Graham Henry has declined to comment on what this could mean for the team in next year's world cup. Blackadder has criticised the 'negative tactics' of the Highlanders, and has said he will lodge an appeal with the IRB.

The Super 14 is just around the corner and I thought before I did a preview of the season I should talk about the pre-season. That's when I came across something really confusing in terms of where one of the teams is playing. No, it's not the Hurricanes playing in the shadow of the HQ of their sponsor's product, though I do think they should have played a game in Napier [the other two games are at Porirua Park and Rotorua].

What raised my eyebrows was one of the Highlanders fixtures. Their first game is fine - against the Chiefs in Dunedin. It's their second one. The team is travelling to Suva to face a Fiji President's XV. I've always thought that sport and politics should not mix, but long ago came to the realisation that no matter what happens, they are intertwined.

In case you don't know the current political background in Fiji, here's a quick rundown: In 2006, Commodore Frank Bainimarama led the Fijian army in a bloodless coup against the government of the time, led by then-Prime Minister Laisenia Qarase. The reason he gave for this was his general unrest with plans by the government to introduce a bill reviewing the legality of the 2000 coup attempt led by George Speight. Since then, Bainimarama has refused the demands of New Zealand and Australia, and the Commonwealth, to return Fiji to a democracy. As a result, Fiji was last year ejected from the Pacific Nations Forum and has been suspended from the Commonwealth. Bainimarama has also ejected people from Fiji - the NZ and Australian High Commissioners, as NZ and Australian journalists including Sia Aston [TV3] and Barbara Dreaver [TVNZ]. Early last year he took control of the local media, employing censors in every newsroom.

New Zealand has steadfastly refused to deal with members of the Fijian regime. Barring compassionate reasons, New Zealand's stance on allowing members of the regime, or people associated with it, to travel here is this: No. We also do not issue temporary work permits to seasonal workers from Fiji, A few years ago it appeared the NZ government would not allow the Fijian Sevens team to participate in Wellington, but instead the following was added to the regulations for New Zealand's relations with Fiji, stating an exception will be made in these circumstances:

People are not subject to the ban if they will be participating in a regional or international tournament which requires travel to New Zealand and the New Zealand host sporting body does not have control over the selection of the participants. The ban does not apply to professional sportspeople playing as individuals.

.

This is where it gets confusing. In 2007, the All Whites were due to play the Fijian national team as part of their qualification campaign for the 2010 FIFA World Cup as their goalkeeper was related to a regime member, but the team was allowed to travel to Fiji to play the return leg. The NZ match was eventually played in Samoa. The goalkeeper played both matches. Undoubtedly, this would fall under the exception - that NZ does not have control over the selection. But, the Pacific Nations Cup has been going on the past two seasons with Fijian, New Zealand and Australian involvement and nothing came of rumours that then Foreign Minister Winston Peters was looking at a blanket ban. I don't have the time or resources to look into every single person in the Fijian rugby team which plays in that competition, and I'm sure that the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Trade does an outstanding job of looking into everybody, but doesn't this send a confusing message?

Both tournaments are, of course, sanctioned by the IRB. So again, New Zealand won't ban the teams, even if Bainimarama himself was lining up at halfback. We have banned a Fijian side before though, although I can't remember why.

Where this match differs though is the team to play the Highlanders. The President's XV. Fiji's former president was Joseph Iloilo, who retired late last year. Iloilo was called a 'puppet' by academic Brij Lal, for failing to opposed the military leadership. His replacement appointed by the same regime NZ is refusing to deal with - is Epeli Nailatikau, who was previously the military government's Minister of Defence. So from the very start, the Fijian government's hands are all over this game. Even if the players are picked from Ireland, the regime is still involved. Personally, I think this is unacceptable.

The situation in Fiji appears to be quickly deteriorating, with the Methodist Church accusing the regime of spying on them and the Citizens' Constitutional Forum claiming that the interim government has been cutting pension payments to people who criticise their tenure. This is not the first time they've cracked down on critics - last year they arrested and detained the head of the Fijian Law Society, Dorsami Naidu for speaking harshly about the leaders and 'undermining' the regime. Three magistrates at the Information Ministry were recently sacked, and when asked why, Permanent Secretary for Information Lieutenant Colonel Neumi Leweni had this to say:

It is not for anyone to explain the reasons why. It’s just that it’s been signed by the president and it’s been put to effect that their services are no longer required.

Sounds an awful lot like 'don't question, just do as you're told' right?

I struggle to see how on earth this game was approved - did it simply slip through the cracks? It's not part of an officially sanctioned tournament, it's not a regular fixture and it's not something that should have even been thought up in the first place. I've got nothing against the Highlanders, but no way should they play this game. Not at all. It's effectively condoning the actions of the president, Bainimarama, and all their mates after the government has worked to put across a message that we will not tolerate the political situation in Fiji. It's saying 'hey, we know you're treating your people poorly, but we don't care, we just want to play rugby'. I wholeheartedly object to this match, and want the Highlanders to change their plans.

My source has done it again. Another leaked email from within the inner sanctum of the NZ sport journalism empire.

From: Nisbett, Keith
Sent: Wednesday, 10 June 2009 1:26 PM
To: "Justin Marshall" (sexcfrostedtips9@gmail.com)
CC: Quinn, Keith; Mexted, Murray
Subject: The Rundown

G'day Justin mate, seeing as you're gonna be working with us this year I thought I'd give you a bit of a rundown on the way the 'analysis' side of things is run around here. It's pretty easy, and you'd know it because we used it the most when you were playing. We call it the 'DoSho' system.

What did he do?
Kicked it.
What should he have done?
Run it.

What did he do?
Ran it.
What should he have done?
Passed/offloaded it.

What did he do?
Passed/offloaded it.
What should he have done?
Taken the tackle.

What did he do?
Got tackled.
What should he have done?
Kicked it.

Simple, aye? But this doesn't apply to Richie or Dan. Whatever they do [and let's be honest here, 3/4 of the time I've got no fucking idea what Richie's up to], they're right.
The tricky bit is when you get to scrums and lineouts.

Scrums:
Whoever didn't get the ball is shit. Even if the other team was cheating.

Lineouts:
If we don't win the ball, blame the hooker. There's no way the opposition can disrupt it, and the jumpers are always right where they're supposed to be.

So there you go buddy. Don't worry about backing it up with statistics and figures, we can just read them off the screen at half and full time. And if you're talking about a player having done something in the past, but can't remember what, just make it up. Noone will remember.

PS: Can you grab one of those TV trays and bring it along with you when we meet up in Tokyo? Keith's is fucked.

Scoops Callahan is an alias used by radio presenter Tom Gribble. Basically, he goes along to sport press conferences in 1920s attire and asks questions using period language. Some sportsmen get fucked off, some find it hilarious. I'd love to see someone try that at a Super 14 game...

Enjoy.

From: Rattue, Chris
Sent: Wednesday, 4 November 2009 1:26 PM
To: Editing Staff
Subject: To cover for my leave

Hi guys, I'm on holiday for the next month - I'm going to finish painting the house. Since the All Blacks are on tour at the moment, that means my faithful readership will go without their dose of the Rat for a while... Or not! I've decided to share with you all the secret of my writing success. Here is the template I use to write all of my articles;

The quality of All Black rugby has reached a new low on its [insert metaphor for decline]. Last night I watched an absolutely [abysmal/farcial/pisspoor/average/out of their depth] team playing one which was truly at the top of their game. And the latter team most certainly was not the ones in the black jerseys. Handling errors defined the match, particularly those of [Ma'a Nonu/Luke McAlister/Whoever has the least caps/a winger] which cost us many attacking opportunities. The forwards were outmuscled and outclassed at the set piece and it really brought into question what the [insert movie reference involving three people] of Graham Henry, Steve Hansen and Wayne Smith are doing with this side.

It was clear to all and sundry that there were only two things holding this lacklustre side together. Firstly, the [insert reference to obscure battlefield leader]-like leadership of Richie McCaw kept the team in the hunt, particularly after a few gutsy penalty calls. Secondly, the [insert reference to revered rugby back]-like skills of Dan Carter kept the backline moving forward despite its own best efforts.

But no matter what the scoreboard says, this is a team which is clearly suffering from [insert obscure negative medical term here]. The NZRU is continuing to [pay for/pay penance/suffer] its decision to allow [insert glowing commendation(s) until near word limit] coach, Robbie Deans, to escape their mighty clutches and head to Australia.

I look forward to reading what I have 'written' when I get back. Hehehehe!

PS: All you fuckers stop linking me to that video of Robbie singing the Australian anthem.

PPS: Steve I know you took my cup this morning you cock. Put it back on my desk by 3pm.

I've been lucky enough to be sent a copy of Chris Rattue's newest article, regarding the announcement Graham Henry, Steve Hansen and Wayne Smith will continue their roles as the All Blacks' coaching staff.

My word, what a farce. The news came through to me as I was working in the garage, sanding our family car in preparation for it to receive its new yellow-and-green paintjob. Imagine me; I'm tired, I'm sweaty, I'm in a singlet and jandals, covered in paint and paint dust, when I get told that Graham Henry, Steve Hansen and Wayne Smith are to continue as All Blacks coaches.

As I have already written, this is a silly idea. The continuation of the three musketeers who single-handedly caused us to lose the 2007 Rugby World Cup is the latest in a long line of stupid decisions by the NZRU.

It has now reached the point where instead of worrying about my family's financial security and safety, I instead constantly fret about the next cock-eyed decision by the NZRU. Prepare yourselves for another two years of playing players out of position, ignoring the wishes of the fans and many more losses to Robbie Deans.

The coaches better wrap Richie McCaw and Dan Carter in cotton wool for that period, because without them they have no hope of winning another game. But knowing Henry & Inc they'll have no qualms about doing that. What an absolutle cock-up.

For the full story, check the NZ Herald tomorrow and Friday.

I'm really sorry about the late timing of this, but I'm currently in the Land the Internets Forgot - Palmerston North. This piece is a Dropkicks exclusive on my experiences at the All Blacks media session last week. Click on Brad Thorn's beer belly to read it.

Have you heard of the Fake IPL Player? Well in a stunning move, the NZ Herald has finally acknowledged the impact that new media can have and they've employed the Fake Chris Rattue. I was going to say the Fake Sport Journalist, but really they all are.

Anyway, check out this article. An article about Carter is standard fodder for Rattue, as is criticism of the governing body of a sport.

But comments like this:

Auckland, and even the NZRU, should bust a boiler to get Carter into the Auckland ranks rather than see him return to Canterbury after his injury-ruined sojourn in France.

Make me raise my eyebrows.

He's seriously suggesting a member of his very-badly-hidden beloved Canterbury changes teams?

But then he goes on to name three Auckland players [although two were All Blacks] and only mentions Robbie Deans ONCE!

WTF is going on, NZ Herald? Who is ghost-writing Rattue?