In today's article, The Dropkicks' friend casual acquaintance guy we met once hated enemy Chris Rattue waxes on about rumours Sonny Bill Williams may head to Counties Manukau to play in the Air New Zealand Cup.

Chris has taken the ball here, turned around and ran away from the opposition team - the Logic First XV of Common Sense to score in his own tryline. He wouldn't be out of place spouting off his article amongst these people.

You've got a team which struggles to get a crowd, struggles to make money, and struggles to create good players - and the players it does get, like Lelia Masaga and Tim Nanai-Williams - it struggles to keep. What does it have working in its favour? Possibly how close it is to Mt Smart Stadium, home of the Warriors.

You get Sonny Bill to Counties, you have the first game on a Friday night when the Warriors aren't playing, you'll sell out Growers Stadium, or Mt Smart. Maybe even Eden Park.

On top of that, how on earth is it a bad idea to get a standout league player, who has been playing at a high level in France [and let's not mention the Sonny Bill v Wallabies testimonial last year where he didn't make any mistakes that I remember] to your bottom-dwelling team?

People continually spout the line 'one player does not make a team'. To which I say: look at the differences between a Carter or McCaw-less All Blacks or Crusaders, or Manawatu without Aaron Cruden, or Counties with Lomu and Vidiri. While one player can't turn around a team, they can bring up the skill level of those around them - not to mention the confidence.

SBW will always be judged by how he left Australia, but until that point he'd honoured all his contracts, hadn't he? And his Toulon one? So why would Counties be worried he'd nick off? Nah, I reckon The Rat is just jealous, 'cause he knows if he pulled a dick-stunt like SBW did the country would be glad he'd gone, not staking out airports in Paris for sightings of him.

My source has done it again. Another leaked email from within the inner sanctum of the NZ sport journalism empire.

From: Nisbett, Keith
Sent: Wednesday, 10 June 2009 1:26 PM
To: "Justin Marshall" (sexcfrostedtips9@gmail.com)
CC: Quinn, Keith; Mexted, Murray
Subject: The Rundown

G'day Justin mate, seeing as you're gonna be working with us this year I thought I'd give you a bit of a rundown on the way the 'analysis' side of things is run around here. It's pretty easy, and you'd know it because we used it the most when you were playing. We call it the 'DoSho' system.

What did he do?
Kicked it.
What should he have done?
Run it.

What did he do?
Ran it.
What should he have done?
Passed/offloaded it.

What did he do?
Passed/offloaded it.
What should he have done?
Taken the tackle.

What did he do?
Got tackled.
What should he have done?
Kicked it.

Simple, aye? But this doesn't apply to Richie or Dan. Whatever they do [and let's be honest here, 3/4 of the time I've got no fucking idea what Richie's up to], they're right.
The tricky bit is when you get to scrums and lineouts.

Scrums:
Whoever didn't get the ball is shit. Even if the other team was cheating.

Lineouts:
If we don't win the ball, blame the hooker. There's no way the opposition can disrupt it, and the jumpers are always right where they're supposed to be.

So there you go buddy. Don't worry about backing it up with statistics and figures, we can just read them off the screen at half and full time. And if you're talking about a player having done something in the past, but can't remember what, just make it up. Noone will remember.

PS: Can you grab one of those TV trays and bring it along with you when we meet up in Tokyo? Keith's is fucked.

Scoops Callahan is an alias used by radio presenter Tom Gribble. Basically, he goes along to sport press conferences in 1920s attire and asks questions using period language. Some sportsmen get fucked off, some find it hilarious. I'd love to see someone try that at a Super 14 game...

Enjoy.

From: Rattue, Chris
Sent: Wednesday, 4 November 2009 1:26 PM
To: Editing Staff
Subject: To cover for my leave

Hi guys, I'm on holiday for the next month - I'm going to finish painting the house. Since the All Blacks are on tour at the moment, that means my faithful readership will go without their dose of the Rat for a while... Or not! I've decided to share with you all the secret of my writing success. Here is the template I use to write all of my articles;

The quality of All Black rugby has reached a new low on its [insert metaphor for decline]. Last night I watched an absolutely [abysmal/farcial/pisspoor/average/out of their depth] team playing one which was truly at the top of their game. And the latter team most certainly was not the ones in the black jerseys. Handling errors defined the match, particularly those of [Ma'a Nonu/Luke McAlister/Whoever has the least caps/a winger] which cost us many attacking opportunities. The forwards were outmuscled and outclassed at the set piece and it really brought into question what the [insert movie reference involving three people] of Graham Henry, Steve Hansen and Wayne Smith are doing with this side.

It was clear to all and sundry that there were only two things holding this lacklustre side together. Firstly, the [insert reference to obscure battlefield leader]-like leadership of Richie McCaw kept the team in the hunt, particularly after a few gutsy penalty calls. Secondly, the [insert reference to revered rugby back]-like skills of Dan Carter kept the backline moving forward despite its own best efforts.

But no matter what the scoreboard says, this is a team which is clearly suffering from [insert obscure negative medical term here]. The NZRU is continuing to [pay for/pay penance/suffer] its decision to allow [insert glowing commendation(s) until near word limit] coach, Robbie Deans, to escape their mighty clutches and head to Australia.

I look forward to reading what I have 'written' when I get back. Hehehehe!

PS: All you fuckers stop linking me to that video of Robbie singing the Australian anthem.

PPS: Steve I know you took my cup this morning you cock. Put it back on my desk by 3pm.

In the leadup to the Tri-Nations this year, I was particularly buoyed by this release on the Welsh RFU's website. It came after all of the vitriol of the Iveco series, where the All Blacks had been blasted from all quarters. There was that loss to the dastardly French, the comeback win [but the coaches didn't tell the players the maths required], the beating of Mathieu Bastareud and criticisms of New Zealand's thug-like nature, and the 'close-fought' win over the Italians, which was compared to the way the Australian side thrashed them in two matches.

So on that day that I happened to flick to the WRFU site, for whatever reason - I think I was trying to see if they'd play us in their canary-feather uniform - I was quite happy to read that. I shared it with fellow dropkicks, I had a slight spring in my step. Because no matter what the journos down here said, we were still seen as being awesome up there.

Partly, this would have to be to do with the WRFU's fantastic attempts to embellish a rivalry with us. A rivalry founded on the fact you've never, ever, beaten that other team [update: in living memory] is a hard one to maintain, but they've done it. There was the whole 'here's a haka I prepared earlier' situation in 2006 [anyone got video of that?], the pilfering of Warren Gatland, the 6 Nations victory last year and the high hopes that the team would finally beat the All Blacks, and not to mention the violent bludgeoning of the Welsh side in 2005, by Dan Carter and Rico Gear.

My main question ahead of this year's test was whether or not the pitch would be in better condition this year - the 2006 game was played on a pitch described as 'a boggy disgrace'. I wasn't going to start thinking about the matchups until the week of the game. But then my self-appointed nemesis, Chris Rattue [shakes fist], wrote this piece, which was in turn picked up by Wales and used in a sort of Any Given Sunday speech. This brought the game to immediate prominence in my mind. So much so that when I saw the headline 'Wales Stars Can't Play ABs' in a Sunday News left on my desk over the weekend, I actually read it.

It appears that Premier Rugby, the organisation which runs the club championship in England, is refusing to allow Welsh players on its books to play for their national team in the match, because the test doesn't fit within the IRB's official test window. Just imagine the furore if the French Top 14 refused to allow players like Johnny Wilkinson to play the English match for similar reasons!

I have a bit of sympathy for Wales. Where else are their players to go [aside from France] where they can get experience and stay in form at a time which allows them to peak for their country? Surely their clubs can spare them for two games! What do you reckon?

Three people sent me this on Twitter around the same time. Good on you lot.

I've been lucky enough to be sent a copy of Chris Rattue's newest article, regarding the announcement Graham Henry, Steve Hansen and Wayne Smith will continue their roles as the All Blacks' coaching staff.

My word, what a farce. The news came through to me as I was working in the garage, sanding our family car in preparation for it to receive its new yellow-and-green paintjob. Imagine me; I'm tired, I'm sweaty, I'm in a singlet and jandals, covered in paint and paint dust, when I get told that Graham Henry, Steve Hansen and Wayne Smith are to continue as All Blacks coaches.

As I have already written, this is a silly idea. The continuation of the three musketeers who single-handedly caused us to lose the 2007 Rugby World Cup is the latest in a long line of stupid decisions by the NZRU.

It has now reached the point where instead of worrying about my family's financial security and safety, I instead constantly fret about the next cock-eyed decision by the NZRU. Prepare yourselves for another two years of playing players out of position, ignoring the wishes of the fans and many more losses to Robbie Deans.

The coaches better wrap Richie McCaw and Dan Carter in cotton wool for that period, because without them they have no hope of winning another game. But knowing Henry & Inc they'll have no qualms about doing that. What an absolutle cock-up.

For the full story, check the NZ Herald tomorrow and Friday.

I'm really sorry about the late timing of this, but I'm currently in the Land the Internets Forgot - Palmerston North. This piece is a Dropkicks exclusive on my experiences at the All Blacks media session last week. Click on Brad Thorn's beer belly to read it.

So, which Southern Hemisphere team is adopting a 'rotation'-style selection policy?

That'd be Australia!

Robbie Deans will no doubt be feeling the wrath of Chris Rattue, whose attitude to rotation is well documented...

...the farcical rotation and resting programme which destroyed a powerful All Black side...

Henry, Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen have spent the first part of 2008 still trying to prove rotation works, almost as if they want to give retrospective validity to their failed World Cup campaign.

After all, Chris is presumably supporting Australia now, having publicly acknowledged he has given up on the All Blacks as long as it retains its current administration...

Why I can no longer support the All Blacks: I'll never cheer for a team coached by Henry. No team in black will ever represent my sporting fervour while he is in charge.

But of Deans...

Deans has imbued successive batches of players in hard-headed ways and an instinct to do the right thing at the right time.

And he achieves this by introducing a rotation policy? Nice work Robbie. Maybe Sport Review NZ are onto something...

In case you didn't know, there's a rugby match on tomorrow night. A rugby match of very high importance indeed. If you've had the good fortune to avoid seeing a newspaper/media website this week, or watching the news, or listening to the radio [in short, William Stewart] you will have been forced to believe this is the All Blacks 'B' team [or worse].

Read the full article