The distance between our two countries may physically only be 2,200km but Shaun Tait, Brendon McCullum and Martin Guptill showed that there's a bigger gap when it comes to celebrating good work.

Righto, like it or lump it rugby season is again just around the corner. Which means that the Tri-Nations and Bledisloe Cup games are also on their way. So this year, the year before the World Cup, lets get fucking fired up.

There are some corners of the rugby community which seem to find it acceptable to root for Australia - or that's what talkback would lead you to believe. There are others who, when the All Blacks lose, want to get Deans back over.

Unacceptable.

He works for the enemy. Would your grandfather, you know, the guy who constantly says

rugby is for faggots and pussies now they've gotten rid of rucking and you can't tackle 'round the neck... And did you see they're wearing fucking makeup now?

accept this? No fucking way. When Sir Brian Lochore lost to Alan Jones do you think gramps would've accepted that loss to a worthy opposition? Or would he have jumped on Lochore saying that he selected the worst All Black team ever, and he lacks vision? Fuck no. He'd have been baying for Green and Gold blood. So lets get that back.

Deans isn't a New Zealander now. He knows the words to their anthem. He doesn't sing the 'Waltzing Matilda, who bloody killed her, lying on the grass with a dagger up her arse' version.

He was a Cavalier. He didn't give a shit about South Africa. And he doesn't like heartland rugby - you better believe it. It's a good thing he's gone, or you bet your ass the ANZC would just be Auckland, Wellington and Canterbury. Here's proof.

Counties-Manukau had a chance to win the Ranfurly Shield from the evil vice-grip of the Canterbury juggernaut. They were ahead, 15-12. Deans just had to nail this impossible shot to level the scores and give the CM Steelers a 'what up'.

So lets get some intensity to this rivalry before the World Cup shall we?

I use the term paradise loosely here, because I'm talking about Australia. But if you've been in Wellington the past couple of days, with our weather, you'd know that paradise certainly isn't here...

But I digress. Here's a story the sport media should be all fucking over - especially at this time of the year when there's nothing on except a meaningless test match that's already been decided, a yachting race that nobody except the media and yachties care about, and the buildup to NZ's premiere Tennis event.

The Australian Associated Press and Daily Telegraph have let fly a story suggesting that the financial backers of Melbourne's Super Rugby franchise have, in true blue fair dinkum Aussie style, spat the dummy.

If you remember the press release from SANZAR when the decision was announced [it was very brief] you should remember that the arbitration board of David Kirk and the Hon Barry Paterson QC noted that the South African bid for the Southern Kings franchise

was more advanced with regard to business and financial planning and organization structure and governance. The Southern Kings were also able to point to a strong rugby tradition, a large playing base and presented a stronger case than Melbourne as to their rugby readiness.

So why did they decide to go with Melbourne? Oh yeah.

These strengths of the Southern King’s Application did not, however, offset the benefits in geographical location and commercial value to SANZAR (both of which criteria the Experts were asked to place considerable weight on) that the Melbourne Application was able to deliver.

I had my concerns when I first read that, but I gave it a go. After all, this is the first time we've seen a privately-owned franchise in Super Rugby and we've seen what private backing can achieve in the past [remember the events that got Matt Giteau to the Western Force?]. But now it looks like the whole thing's starting to unravel.

The catalyst for the departure of some backers is put down to the Australian Rugby Union's opposition to subsidise the franchise and rightly so. It was always billed as a private union, so why should it be given a subsidy - aside from ensuring there are sufficient players available? Why would the ARU, as a business entity, invest money into a team which is not guaranteed of a fan base as it is to operate in a city which is the absolute heart of AFL and already has a very, very successful rugby league team? I mean, the Force in Perth are part of a more equal market and get an average following, but take a team to Melbourne would be like putting a football team in Wellington. And we know how many fans that lot have.

I reckon this is just political posturing from the Melbourne backers, but I hope the ARU stands firm. But if this deal really is on the rocks, what happens?

If the Melbourne Whateverthey'regonnabecalleds don't show sufficient progress [like, coming up with a team name, or a coach, or players] by a specific date, what happens? Do we stay with the Super 14? Do the Southern Kings get to rush around for six months [or however long] trying to re-establish their union? Or does SANZAR just bail out the team and get it going?

Because we've seen one SANZAR union grabbed by its balls and made to do as it's told, and not as it wants, this year - so someone's gotta stand up and flip the bird at these mucky little manipulators before it's too late.

Update: So it looks like the beatup came from the dick from the Melbourne bid. But then again, the ARU doesn't have the most respectable track record.

Before the Cricket kicked off [tipped off? Bowled off? Hit off?] this week, the fellows over at Sportsfreak were focused on the All Blacks' end of year tour, and the lack of tries in their games. The print media also seem to have chosen this as their lead angle ahead of this weekend's match (exhibit a, b, c, d... need I go on?) against France.

You can see my original response over there, where I gave some stats about the tries the All Blacks have scored and conceded in the NH over the past 11 years, but it sparked something in me. At school, I didn't really pay much attention in Maths. If it was something that captured my attention (like graphs and shit) I'd do it, but as soon as I got to sixth form I dropped it. It's never been a problem in day to day life, but this week I've felt completely incompetent. I've been trying to come up with all kinds of mathmatical stats and graphs for this post, and I'm extremely lucky to have Hadyn's patient tutelage to help me. If it hadn't been for him, you'd have all kinds of data here, and it would be presented on an unreadable line graph.

Something I didn't need help for was gathering the data for this. And it's actually a new feature of the Dropkicks. You can see it here. Currently it features all international test matches from 2006-today, but I may backdate it eventually if I see the need, and I may use it for a post about the Rugby World Cup and whether the 'minnow' teams are becoming more competitive.

The first table to have a look at, because I know you want to see the stuff revolving around the All Blacks, is the 6 Nations. [if this was TV that would be a hook - You would have no choice but to stick with me to find out. But this is a blog, so it doesn't work as well... Fuck.]

This is a little complicated, but is more proof of the sort of shenanigans some of the big unions think ­they can get away with.

The original IRB schedule for this November did not include an Australia Grand Slam tour.  The Wallabies had the three Celtic nations on tap, and England were to play Argentina, New Zealand, and Fiji.  

The Aussies obviously wanted to add an England test.  England did not choose to add a fourth test.  I assume this was an issue of the club commitments, or at least the RFU's unwillingness to pay the clubs for an extra week of internationals.  So, the Aussies and RFU created a master plan to fix the problem.

England replaced their Fiji test with the more lucrative Grand Slam opener.  In order to placate Fiji for the lost game, the RFU would kick back a portion of the profits to Fiji, would set up a test against the USA in its place, and Australia agreed to play a June test against Fiji.  The deal gave Australia a Grand Slam chance, England more money, Fiji more tests and money, and USA another test.

In the last few weeks the Fiji/USA test has been canceled.  Since the cancellation, Fiji has scrambled to get a game with Romania.  What happened?  According to Nigel Melville, as reported by American Rugby News, the RFU backed out of obligations.  They said they would work out the financial details so that Fiji could travel to the States on their dime.  Instead, they balked and tried to stick the US with the bill. 

Note how this plays out on the public relations front.  Back in the spring the media trumpeted the story.  "The Slam is on!"  "Unions cooperate for the betterment of world rugby!"  "Philanthropic RFU plays Santa Claus!"  England comes out smelling like roses, if you will excuse the pun.  Then, six months later they back out of the deal and leave Fiji to dry and the story on most rugby sites is a paragraph about the USA dropping the ball. 

Effectively, England told Fiji to bug off so they could make some extra cash against Australia.  When things like this happen, you see why some are questioning how beneficent the big boys in the IRB really are.

Dear Readers,

I feel I must apologise to you. I haven't been around for you over this past fortnight, when I was most needed. I could not tell you why, as I was involved in a mission of utmost secrecy. 

At 0750 hours on July 30, 2009, I parachuted into Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. In order to remain unnoticed, I didn't parachute, rather, I jumped on an Air New Zealand flight [a very good Air New Zealand flight, although turbulence at Wellington Airport + takeoff in pitch black = much gripping of armrests] and did everything, including going through customs.

I was to stay at a safehouse in the inner-city suburb of Fitzroy, maintained by New Zealand operatives. After a taxi ride manned by a deaf Australian driver [or he was pretending to be deaf to learn our secrets], I arrived and set up base camp, only to find in order to avoid being detected, this safehouse operated under radio silence 24/7 - that means no internet! I did not mind though, as it would allow me to record my findings at a later date and avoid being censored.

 After figuring out the city's transport systems in order to better coordinate our insurgency, my accomplice and I set off to the Sandown Racetrack to find out more about the variety of vehicles these bacwards folk use to get around.

 There we were confronted and assaulted by a spectacular herd of beasts, all extremely loud, with a penchant for running around a racetrack and staying within the confines of a fence, sometimes disobeying their human tamers. These are apparently called 'V8 Supercars'.

 The process of gathering intel about these peculiar creatures took several days, but we have managed to identify three main threats:

1. A car owned by 'Videophone', tamed by a fellow named Jaymoi Whinecup. Several references were made to him being the 'series leader' over the weekend, so he must be a captain of sorts.
2. The 'Haich Argh Tee' team of Garth Tender and Woyal Davison. This pairing led the rest of the stampede for the second race on Sunday.
3. The 'DJer' of James Cowtney. Many, many times he was mentioned as being particularly fast, confident and has apparently been in several skirmishes with other cars, which leads me to assume he is a relative youngling, attempting to take Alpha Male status in the group.

 After we shifted focus from this peculiar practice, we asked our hosts if there were any other villains we should keep our eyes on, as the risks posed by The Evil Wizard Mortlock appears to have been quelled by our fierce All Blacks. I was shocked to hear that a young man called Harmichael Kunt had decided to switch battalions, moving to a special-ops squad which is based exclusively in Australia, and can no longer be monitored by the Warriors. This special-ops squad is called Gold Coast Football Club and operates in the AFL battalion. He garnered significant newspaper coverage, so will be one to monitor in the future. He is expected to be deployed in 2011.

 I could not allow my national loyalties to completely die, however. Although I was informed it could jeopardise my cover, I watched the All Blacks test against South Africa. It took me all day to find a suitable venue, as apparently Australians do not enjoy allowing us to follow our mighty Blacks. Two bars in Melbourne show rugby union matches consistently. For operatives who will be deployed in the future, these are The Royal Derby Hotel in Fitzroy, and The Maori Chief, established in 1867 in South Melbourne.

 This concludes my report into the activitied of our Australian counterparts, but I would caution that we must keep an eye on them. I could not help but get the distinct feeling they were not satisfied with their thievery of Robbinson Deans, and are planning another expedition across the Tasman to kidnap more of our brave men. Keep your eyes sharp!

I joined up on twitter a couple of weeks ago, and made my first 'tweet' tonight. It was about rugby. Seems I'm not the only one tweeting about the game: check the trending topics, half an hour after the end of the first Tri-Nations game of 2009...

More popular than Spongebob?! Nice.

So, which Southern Hemisphere team is adopting a 'rotation'-style selection policy?

That'd be Australia!

Robbie Deans will no doubt be feeling the wrath of Chris Rattue, whose attitude to rotation is well documented...

...the farcical rotation and resting programme which destroyed a powerful All Black side...

Henry, Wayne Smith and Steve Hansen have spent the first part of 2008 still trying to prove rotation works, almost as if they want to give retrospective validity to their failed World Cup campaign.

After all, Chris is presumably supporting Australia now, having publicly acknowledged he has given up on the All Blacks as long as it retains its current administration...

Why I can no longer support the All Blacks: I'll never cheer for a team coached by Henry. No team in black will ever represent my sporting fervour while he is in charge.

But of Deans...

Deans has imbued successive batches of players in hard-headed ways and an instinct to do the right thing at the right time.

And he achieves this by introducing a rotation policy? Nice work Robbie. Maybe Sport Review NZ are onto something...